from by Emily Joy

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Well I am barely holding on to the fragments of who I once thought I was.

And I’ve been searching for comfort like buried treasure

Hidden under mountains of sin where I’ll have to keep digging forever

And “X” never marks the spot.

Cause there’s no rest when all I’m doing is moving from fix to fix

To keep from thinking about how scared I am that it seems like

There is nothing between me and going crazy.

I was following a light but that light is fading

And now it’s just this tiny imperceptible point

And I don’t see the point of running after it.

I am one flame in a lot of dark rooms

And I don’t always know how to stay lit.

And I’m afraid that everyone expects me to be a fire

That never flickers and never fades and most certainly never goes out

But more often than not these days

I’m just trying not to get swallowed by the darkness and failing.

And I keep asking God to tell me who I am

But I can’t hear Him over all the profanity and the lies I’m believing

As if my words are a trumpet I’m sounding to drown Him out

Even while I cry for help.

And in a moment of clarity

I say my life feels “dichotomized” but nobody knows what that means.

“You are worth so much more!” I want so badly to scream but the train’s coming

And we can’t hear anything above the roar of the wheels on the tracks

Like our hearts speeding toward the next station only to loop right back.

And I wanna draw a map, and sing:

“He restoreth my soul, and leadeth me in righteous paths,

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death”

As if I believe it.

And I used to believe it, and someday I will again.

But right now I’m barely holding on to the love that saved me from sin

And I don’t know who I am, the whore or the virgin,

Or just a girl with a heart as dark as death itself and a whitewashed tomb for skin.

And I need a resurrection, and Jesus, I know you’re risen

But I don’t know how to die to self so I can live again.

So crucify me right up there with you, Jesus,

Stick those nails through my hands.

Stretch my arms apart so my heart is open wide enough to cut it out.

Put that crown of thorns on my head till I have bled enough to need you.

And when they pierce your side can I die with you?

Can I rise with you?

Can I put to death the flesh and give it all to you?

Cause I am barely holding on to you, Jesus,

And I need you to hold on to me.

I need you to heal the halves of this dichotomy and make me a whole person,

And make me free.

Make me unashamed to speak and make my life worthy!

And Jesus. When I lose my grip.

Reach your bleeding hands over the edge of that cliff,

Fold me up inside the crevices and be my sin who knew no sin.

Jesus, be my resurrection.


from Dichotomized, released February 1, 2013



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Emily Joy Chicago, Illinois

Emily Joy is a spoken word poet and Midwest native currently residing in Nashville, TN. She makes her living as a freelance writer and traveling poet. Emily is passionate about challenging the status quo of the universe through art and empowering people, especially women, to pursue justice, speak their truths and ask hard questions. ... more

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