Beloved ft. E​.​M​.​J

from by Emily Joy

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So this is what it is to be beloved of God.
Forgive me if I'm less than impressed,
But I don't remember signing up for this, God.
I was told this God cared when I wept
But if you haven't noticed yet, He's conspicuously absent.
I was told this God would meet my needs
But they're still feeling pretty unmet.
I was told this God was sovereign over every event
But I fail to see how sovereignty
Is supposed to be any sort of comfort at all,
When an unchangeable being can't respond to my pleading
And I've heard too many appeals to mystery
To believe them anymore.
"God loves you,"
But he would never do anything for you
That he wasn't already gonna do—
And God if you love me,
It must be in a language that I don't speak!
Cause I don't know what else
"You heal all my diseases" means
If it doesn't mean "You heal all my diseases."
And I am still sick to my soul
From wondering when you are going to cure me.
When you are going to take my bitterness
And turn it into beauty.
And in the mean time they keep telling me
That your ways are not our ways
And your thoughts are not our thoughts
As if that explains something,
As if that makes it easier to be a cog in the machine of your glory.
And what if for some reason I can't comprehend,
I'm expendable towards that end?
What if I'm a vessel of wrath prepared for destruction
And God is most glorified in me when I am most rejected by him?
And on and on until I can't remember what it felt like
To be cradled in the arms of my Savior
On the day you rescued my soul from death,
And my life has no meaning without that.
And my words have no meaning anymore,
They're all just answers to questions no one asked.
And this is not a crash course in epistemology,
But while we're on the subject, God,
How am I even supposed to know what love is?
Cause as near as I can tell,
Love means crucifying your son.
And surely you can't see why that would be so terrifying
To an insignificant human like me.
Surely a transcendent God can't understand—
God, you have no idea what it's like to be man!
But, wait, you do.
You know what it is to be trapped in a body of flesh—
To feel unable to escape your own fate—
To cry and pray and hope and wait
And yet be led to your death—
To be lied to and betrayed and spit in your face,
The offer of love pushed away by rejection and hate—
To be stretched out in agony
Crying the refrain
Forgive me,
For I have been less than impressed with your suffering.
For I have hid from you behind empty dogma,
And useless talk.
You know what it is to be beloved of God.


from Dichotomized, released February 1, 2013



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Emily Joy Chicago, Illinois

Emily Joy is a spoken word poet and Midwest native currently residing in Nashville, TN. She makes her living as a freelance writer and traveling poet. Emily is passionate about challenging the status quo of the universe through art and empowering people, especially women, to pursue justice, speak their truths and ask hard questions. ... more

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